gallery of stupid things...

my life is full of stupidity at the moment. no, really. i've managed to make a habit out of winding up in situations which are, on the face of it at the very least, kinda stupid. at the moment most of my more questionable actions seem to be centred on the fact that i am, as it happens, flying out of the fucking country in early October. this is no longer negotiable. when you spend $1100 on a ticket to go somewhere you remove the uncertainty surrounding the idea.

what normal people do in this situation is NOT leave the permanent, full time, public service job they've only been in for 8 months, only to take ANOTHER permanent job with a company in private industry. this is something which is generally considered to be Not Done. you should just ride out the last 6 months of the job while keeping your head down, i'm sure of it.

similarly, when they decide to go for an undetermined period of time, sensible people don't usually go out and sell off all the possessions they have which won't fit in a very small storage shed so that they'll have nothing to come back to

and once said sensible person has made these arrangements to cast themselves free of wherever it is they've been living these last 5 years, the big thing, the absolutely biggest, most massive thing which is labelled "To Be Avoided At All Costs" on page 8 of the "Complete Idiot's Guide To Packing Up Your Life And Fucking Off Around The World" is go and get involved with someone who works out how to push all of their buttons within 314 seconds. no, i mean, SERIOUSLY!?!

hi. how you doing? my name's Peter, i thought we'd met.

yep, that's right. Everything's Coming Up Raven!

the thing is that these decisions aren't made sensibly. maybe you can imagine the mindset which leads someone to deciding "hey, you know what i need to do? i need to get rid of my shit, pack up my life and go on a working holiday in the UK!"
"How long are you going for," people will ask, to which you reply:
"oh, somewhere between 3 months and forever."

these are not the actions of someone who is being sane and fucking sensible! let's be serious for a moment here! doing the Travelling Holiday in the UK is something we all talk about. we know someone who knew someone who did it. we think it'd be a great idea. i doesn't actually get Done, and not on the spur of the though "oh, i'm sad and lonely and i hate my job - i know! i'll kick in my professional career for a while and live in London in a cramped mouldy hovel, work in a bar to keep my head above water and travel Europe! what could possibly go wrong?"

when someone goes off and does that sort of thing you need to lower your expectations as to their general mental stability, and the sort of logical decisions they'll be making. i mean, i'm utilising impeccable logic, i swear this to be true. the problem is that logic is predicated on your having a solid, considered viewpoint to start with and i'm on shifting sand these days. i'm just fucking winging it at this point, and i shit you not: Everything Is Coming Up Raven.

when doing the sensible, smart thing doesn't work for you, start doing shit you're pretty sure is absolutely wacko and the next thing you know you're having a great fucking time. of course, it's all going to end in pain and madness but... hello? fun! i did three separately stupid things this evening and you know what? i've had a great time. no idea what's next. jump out of my bedroom window wearing only a pair of thick Explorer socks and the Australian flag as a cape screaming something obscene in Mandarin or something. you just know i'll land on a balaclava'd burglar who's carrying a phenomenally huge pile of money and when the police come to arrest us both (him for... you know, being a burglar and me for being stark raving mad and clad only in the flag) they will for some reason which has no basis in the plot, recognise me as the long lost king of... Lithukyrgianiastan or something stupid like that.

don't mind me, i'm rambling, but that's what my life's been like in the last couple of months. give up, stop thinking about things too sensibly and suddenly you're having a great fucking time.

um... that kinda went off on a tangent which not only had i not expected, but in fact was better than what i thought i was going to say. YOU SEE WHAT I'VE BEEN FUCKING SAYING THOUGH? (enter the Caps Lock - Are You Ready To Unleash The Fucking Fury??) WHY HAVE I BEEN TRYING TO FORCE THINGS WHEN ALL I HAVE TO FUCKING DO IS FUCKING GIVE THE FUCK UP?????

ooh, my keyboard isn't going to last a week at this rate.

in all sobriety though, i am more than slightly freaking the fuck out at the moment. i moved to Canberra under similar circumstances, and that's been fun and good for me. that's all that's keeping me from a padded room with nice angel-people bringing me pretty colourful pills at the moment. and getting kissed a lot (it really helps). if i was someone sitting around listening to someone tell me the story of what i've been doing and what i've got planned, i'd be telling me i was nuts. it's too extreme, certainly.
"Maybe just go for a holiday," or
"If you give it another year and save up it'd be much easier," or even
"What do you mean your mate's girlfriend is breaking up with him so that she can come along for the trip?

there are plenty of things i'd be saying to me, if i was being sensible that is, but since i'm patently not then i can more or less hold my head up and say

what the hell? why stop it when everything seems to be going so well? if i complain too loudly the gods might notice and put a stop to it.

i hate to suggest that i'm going to be doing a whole lot more stupid stuff in the coming weeks, but you know it's true. my wild drive to Tidbinbilla on the weekend is a classic example. i should NOT have been pushing myself as hard as i was, but i did. the only reason it's really excusable is that we all got out happy and safe and that i was able to bring things back under control when they got a bit too freaky.

this is far too much thinking about this topic, but i'm going to have to stop this soon. i've been letting myself get out of control, which has historically been a Bad Thing. i never can do foolish in a small way. sure, it starts out harmless, but then has this habit of escalating rapidly and... uncontrollably. i have no idea of the solution to this issue, except that if i manage to get on the flight out of Sydney with all my anatomy in its current configuration and my psyche... um... in no worse state than it is already, i should be ok.

i choose not to fight the thought that hugs and kisses will make things better. i just need to find and strangle the voice which is reminding me that i really do know that it'll just make things worse. it doesn't matter. i never liked that guy anyway.