i'm trying to get more of these idle thoughts down - those ideas which come to you in the middle of night when sleep beckons and the concerns of the day fade into inconsequence and the quiet voices in the back of your head can briefly be heard. or maybe that's just me.
my head's been fairly quiet of late, i've been noticing. it's the quiet that you notice when you've become accustomed to the constant chatter of the office, or the hum of the airconditioning, or the vibration of the ship's engines to the point where you stop noticing it's there... until it's gone... and somehow you find that it's more disconcerting than when you got used to it in the first place. the noise has died down and i'm finding myself deafened by the harshness of the signal without the softening effects of interference. the distractions are there, like when i notice the scent wafting from my shirt which suddenly makes me desperately wish i was somewhere else (in this case, a place which is less geography and more proximity), or when i fall asleep while planning what i'll be doing tomorrow, or that kind of thing. sometimes, on the other hand, the silence is so deafening that i start to think that if i beat my head against the wall enough it'll come back.
it's at about this point that i realise that the way i'd always thought about insanity was somewhat arse-about. i'm seriously considering the idea that instead of madness being the LACK of sanity, it's the other way around and that it's taking the madness away that leaves you terrifyingly sane. i'm not sure i'm entirely happy with this. this means that something's raped my mind and ripped that comforting random psychosis from my living brain. sure, it's generally easier for me to sleep at night at the moment, but AT WHAT COST?????
hmm. i'm going to have to ponder this more... another night.
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