... the interraction of opposing forces...

i've been staring at the screen for the last half an hour and after general frustration kicked in went and deleted the drivel i'd eked out on the page. i don't seem to have the words today. i think i've been more pissed off with myself than anything else. i always get most frustrated when there are things i can't do anything about, or things i can't control.

last night i reacted to my inability to articulate my meaning by throwing my phone across the room and spending the following 20 minutes beating at the inside of my skull in utter frustration, after which i had yet another of what has become my typical sleep patterns:

fall asleep.
wake up in the wee hours convinced i'm somewhere else.
spent the following quarter hour or so tossing and turning, reacquainting myself with reality.
finall wake up properly.
fall asleep again and enjoy peaceful, rest until my alarm goes off.

today i woke up in a lobotomised daze. becoming insanely hungry by 10AM didn't help. i'm hungy a lot lately. my weight's back down below 100kg again and every time that happens i wind up having to graze otherwise i stop being able to concentrate unless i eat every 3 bloody hours. now THAT is pissing me off. delaying eating once i start feeling hungry leaves me braindead and i'll sit there on the couch staring at the wall until i manage to get up the willpower to move and find food.

that doesn't explain last night... although i didn't have much for tea last night so it might. i'm losing grip on myself and my self-control has been chipped away over the last few weeks so i'm having more and more difficulty reigning myself in at the moment. i think i know what i have to do about that, but of course i won't be discussing it here. let's just say i'm lucky enough that for once the course of action i'd consider the "easy" is also the one most likely to result in my preferred outcome.

meanwhile, there's work this week so i'm going to see if i can get the halucinations and waking dreams out of the way early so that i can get a decent amount of real sleep.

oh, and it's entirely likely that you'll never know explicitly what the hell i'm talking about here. if i wanted to talk about it i would have already.