i feel so good, i feel so numb...

i walked out of the tube startion at Heathrow as the bus was pulling up to the stop, the doors opening just as i approached so that i didn't even have to break stride to step up and on and i knew i was going to have a good day. i was late for work again - the last remnants of my cold giving me a crap night's sleep and i couldn't count the number of times i woke up coughing just to fall asleep again when my head met back up with the pillow. leaving the office for the now-familiar walk to the bus stop the sky was steel-grey, but that was ok because i'm wearing black. a dark blot on an indistinct horizon casting no shadow in the diffused light of a heavy blanket of cloud.

there's nothing like a good solid day's work to perk up your mood - if you don't believe me, if you think the idea of a 5-month holiday sounds like a grand idea i suggest you try it and let me know how you do. i love taking holidays as much as anyone else, but sitting around with no purpose to your days gets old, then starts to decompose, rotting your brain along with it. after a week of solidly kicking arse and noting the names down in a spreadsheet i can feel my blade sharpening and my mind feels clear and hard as crystal. i'm in a fucking good mood - untouchable and ready for someone to try it on.

last night i crashed back into the room just before 11 having finally completed an goal i'd set for myself a couple of months ago. i started this blog a year ago yesterday, and since then, between Phase Shifting and Futility Overdrive i've posted 100 entries, just squeezing #100 in before the date changed. it was inconsequential and means almost nothing to anyone, but it was something i wanted to achieve and it feels great to have done it. we're talking roughly 2 entries a week, distilling my life into something readable and coherent that people seem to want to read. the last week's been a flurry of over 9400 words - there was a two week period starting just before i went to Amsterdam where i just couldn't string a sentance together in any meaningful way, and had to wait until my headmeats cleared up my perception so that i could see what i was doing again. now i look down the list of old entries and see hours spent and cups of tea drained, pulling my days apart so that i can see the threads and then tie them back up to paint a picture. another one of Shadow's favourite sayings is from Socrates, who said that "The unexamined life is not worth living," and i try to convince myself that it's this, not narcisism that keeps me carrying my Eee wherever i go. i've even gone and paid extra on my travel insurance so that i can take it with me to Egypt, capturing the moment at the time rather than trying to stuff it back in a box at a later date.

it's a glorious feeling to be simultaneously numb and hyper - i'm as free commitment as i can be given the circumstances, which means that i don't have anything forcing me to make a decision about anything any time soon. a clean slate and a clear calendar after mid-April, plenty of pages left in the passport and enough cash to keep drifting for as long as it entertains me. my general care-factor is low, low, low. i've Given Up on plenty in the last little while, so a little bit more isn't going to stress me.

in the meantime, i'm going to try to take a break from blogging for a little while. spend some hours asleep in bed, playing games, getting around to watching the Godfather Trilogy. i have no idea how frequently i'll be online when i'm in Egypt, but i'll be trying to post when i can. in the meantime i'm having a holiday from my holiday, and a vacation from my blog... unless i get bored or have something that needs to be said.

later...