Bury It

 Phase 5 Epilogue

A couple of days before Over It went live I asked Ciara if She'd like to celebrate my new job and bike with dinner. She asked if I was planning on hosting, inviting some mates around, which I laughed at because I've literally never done that in the time She's known me. 

"Somewhere actually nice, sit down. Open to negotiation. Italian place near me is apparently good. Other options exist."
"Oh yeah? Who else you inviting?"
"Can't think of anyone I would."

I raised the question again on Saturday May 9th, and She asked again if I was inviting anyone else. 

"No, just you. Will look into booking once confirmed.
"Perhaps could come walk Millie, drive you out there and back? I plan on dressing a little nice."
"This isn't a date right? It's sounding kinda intimate."
"It's me celebrating with the person I want to celebrate with. Call it a date if you want - it's certainly date-format."

In the end I dropped it because nothing I was going to say would have made Her unwary, and if She was intent on throwing up boundaries it would just be awkward and uncomfortable, and certainly not an enjoyable evening. I went round for Millie walkies anyway, which was pleasant enough. When we got back She brought it up, saying She'd have been up for dinner, but wanted to make sure it wasn't going to open us up to being hurt, and I reiterated that I was proposing a pleasant, date-format evening, and if She didn't want to engage with that then it wasn't going be 'pleasant', so I wasn't going to push it. I was pretty sick of placating Her and not treading on Her feelings tho, so I decided to share a truth-bomb whilst I had the chance. 

"It's funny how you asked me twice if I was inviting anyone else. 
"I mean... for starters I really did just want to celebrate with you - you were there when things went to shit, and it'd be nice to see the end of that with you.
"But the other side of that tho... I wouldn't invite you to a thing with my friends any more than you'd invite me to a thing with yours. 
"Because you don't really think of me as a friend, but more importantly: 
"None of my friends like you."

Cue shocked, hurt look, questions about who and why. 

"Shit, well Sandra won't have a bar of you," I started, pointing out when she reached out not long before the 'coin toss' and She basically told her to fuck off, "Amy encouraged me to stick around to help you with TAH, but only because otherwise Millie would suffer - she's sick of hearing about you.
"Marcia couldn't give two shits.
"Scott... actually Scott WOULD give you the time of day, but that's because it's the sort of kind and generous man he is...
"
"and... Lil Rach... not even going into what SHE wants to do to you."
"Oh... right."
"None of them can understand why I still give you the time of day, and my bike-mates...
"They just think you're fake."

I refused to tell Her who'd shared that opinion with me because I wasn't going to go creating drama by naming names. 

"How do I know who to avoid if you won't tell me who hates me?"
"You don't. Go, let people get to know you, maybe they'll change their minds.
"Or maybe they won't - it's on you either way."
"At least tell me if it was any of MY friends?"
"FUCK NO! Jesus fucking wept!
"I don't talk about YOU with any of YOUR friends!
"I just hang out and be Polite and Friendly with whoever takes the time to say hi."

The conversation went downhill from there, and a short time later She roared out of Her driveway, then rev-bombed away up Canberra Ave. 

I send Her the link to Fuck It and Over It the next day. 

"Im pretty sure I don't want to read this. Goodluck with your new gig tomorrow."
"It literally says you won't in the text - you just scored me a pint.
Thanks!"
"Wow."
"Also thanks for the good luck for tomorrow."
"So you're gambling on my actions now."
"That's not a new thing."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"
"You HAVE surprised me a few times."

She BBBBlocked me again a few messages later which I thought was sad, but I wasn't feeling it.

Shit... music... um... oh, I know what'll work...

Phase 5 Closing Credits: Bring Me The Horizon - R.i.p. (duskCOre RemIx)