Musical accompaniment: YUNGBLUD - Happier (feat. Oli Sykes Of Bring Me The Horizon)
I smashed my ash tray the other day. I try to not break things by accident; if I'm going to destroy something I prefer it to be on purpose. That night I reached out, fumbled, knocked it off the edge of the table and heard it shatter on the tiles.
What a silly, pointless thing, to hear porcelain skitter and dance across the hard surface of my balcony; what a stupid fucking waste.
In the back of my head, under his breath, Paranoia muttered "Just like the rest of your life, innit mate? What a worthless excuse you turned out to be," whilst herring rained from the sky.
"Heeeeey," Confidence bellowed, "don't listen to him! Didn't you just re-create the tech platforms for a pair of businesses? Set them up for more than they could dream, you did. What did Andrew The Shipwright call you? A Wizard. A WIZARD!"
"But what does he have to show? Some smartest geezer in the room you turned out to be..."
I did build a setup so cool that random passers-by stopped and said 'Holy shit, that's amazing,' whilst pulling enough revenue to keep my payroll covered thru the next couple of months...
Wait, wasn't that the Mayor of Warsaw who just exploded?
"Call that a reprieve? Re-privy, I say. Your career's in the toilet. Don't go trying to change the subject. What? Just trying to be friendly..."
"Nobody cares what you have to say! I certainly don't, and neither does the Wizard of Tech, amirite Tech-Wiz?"
"Wiz'ing it up against the wall is what he's doing. Look at 'im, he's all pale and trembly. Look how your hands are shaking and keep dropping things. I bet you've got a terminal disease, always happens to people who least expect it, don't you find that?"
The bickering voices in the back of my mind's fever-dream go back and forth pointlessly, two fragments of the same shattered psyche skittering and dancing across the hard surface of my broken reality; the mind is such a terrible thing to waste.
I keep fixing it in my head that my life isn't actually broken, and nervous tremors not-withstanding, nothing happens entirely by accident. I might not be confident of my purpose, but I'm not paranoid enough to forget how necessary it can be to destroy what's in the way of creating a new, deep space to get lost in.
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