this is what i get for having a nap in the afternoon - my mind running on overdrive while the rest of my head tries to gear down for the night. i'd sincerely love to explain what's going on in there, but by the time i start to recognise what's bubbled to the surface it's gone and something else's appeared. i wound up having a nap because, as has become common for me lately, i spent most of last night waking up/passing out over and over and over and when my phone rang at 7:36AM i took it as an opportunity to advise the office that they wouldn't be seeing me today. i was productive in the end, for certain values of productive. yes, i spent 2 hours in the waiting room at the quack's, but this gave me plenty of time to read my book, and now i'm off to get an MRI on my injured knee. that's ok, it's not as if i had plans for those 315 dollars. here's hoping that the MRI says that i WON'T have to spent 10-20 times that having my knee rebuilt... but we'll deal with that if/as it comes. by the time i got back to the flat i was wrecked and ended up passing out for 2-3 hours, which i actually slept all the way through. now i just need to work out how to achieve that result at night. 2-3 hours straight would be awesome right now.
as the lyrics of that Bob Dylan song go: "i can't get no relief". oh, i do so love a double-negative. the thing is that it's accurate. the only thing i've got at the moment that stills my mind are my night-rides when the cold air is flooding through the open visor of my helmet and i'm firing myself through corners like i've got something to prove. somehow it seems to be the only thing i find myself able to connect with, and this worries me a little. i have the feeling that i should be doing something, but nothing i try to do will hold my attention so i've wound up pottering around, fiddling around the edges. my little world seems to be holding its breath while we wait for the other shoe to drop. i figure that it'll either come to me sooner or later, at which point i should be able to figure out what to do with it, or it'll hit me in the back of the head and knock me in the right direction anyway.
at least the anti-inflammatories i've started taking today (the latest addition in the growing number of pharmaceuticals that doctors seem to think i need to take on a daily basis so that i can continue breathing through the next week) have taken the edge off my goddamn knee. that said, it seems that my quiet dreams of one day learning parkour and capoeira can now be filed under "Things That Will Now Never Happen". it's a disappointment i'm sure i'll learn to live with. meanwhile i'm going to play another round of the game i've come to call "i Wonder If i'll Sleep Through Tonight Or End Up Screaming In My Skull While i Stare At The Fucking Walls For The Eigth Time Tonight".
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