this is what i get for having a nap in the afternoon - my mind running on overdrive while the rest of my head tries to gear down for the night. i'd sincerely love to explain what's going on in there, but by the time i start to recognise what's bubbled to the surface it's gone and something else's appeared. i wound up having a nap because, as has become common for me lately, i spent most of last night waking up/passing out over and over and over and when my phone rang at 7:36AM i took it as an opportunity to advise the office that they wouldn't be seeing me today. i was productive in the end, for certain values of productive. yes, i spent 2 hours in the waiting room at the quack's, but this gave me plenty of time to read my book, and now i'm off to get an MRI on my injured knee. that's ok, it's not as if i had plans for those 315 dollars. here's hoping that the MRI says that i WON'T have to spent 10-20 times that having my knee rebuilt... but we'll deal with that if/as it comes. by the time i got back to the flat i was wrecked and ended up passing out for 2-3 hours, which i actually slept all the way through. now i just need to work out how to achieve that result at night. 2-3 hours straight would be awesome right now.
as the lyrics of that Bob Dylan song go: "i can't get no relief". oh, i do so love a double-negative. the thing is that it's accurate. the only thing i've got at the moment that stills my mind are my night-rides when the cold air is flooding through the open visor of my helmet and i'm firing myself through corners like i've got something to prove. somehow it seems to be the only thing i find myself able to connect with, and this worries me a little. i have the feeling that i should be doing something, but nothing i try to do will hold my attention so i've wound up pottering around, fiddling around the edges. my little world seems to be holding its breath while we wait for the other shoe to drop. i figure that it'll either come to me sooner or later, at which point i should be able to figure out what to do with it, or it'll hit me in the back of the head and knock me in the right direction anyway.
at least the anti-inflammatories i've started taking today (the latest addition in the growing number of pharmaceuticals that doctors seem to think i need to take on a daily basis so that i can continue breathing through the next week) have taken the edge off my goddamn knee. that said, it seems that my quiet dreams of one day learning parkour and capoeira can now be filed under "Things That Will Now Never Happen". it's a disappointment i'm sure i'll learn to live with. meanwhile i'm going to play another round of the game i've come to call "i Wonder If i'll Sleep Through Tonight Or End Up Screaming In My Skull While i Stare At The Fucking Walls For The Eigth Time Tonight".
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
happiness is a warm exhaust...
and once again, i'm carless. no more driving around with the roof off, stereo blazing, getting sunburned. no more taxi service. then again, no more rego, no more bills, no more upgrades, no second mouth to fill with petrol. it's headed for the Tender Loving Care of The Boy who has assured me that he'll take all due care of it. it's possible that the car's departure could have come at a worse time, being as it's winter and my knee is still being cantankerous, but then that's how these things happen some times.
i got back on the bike last wednesday and spent the rest of the working week forcing my right leg to bend up onto the peg and operate my rear-brake, and apart from occasionally having to let my leg dangle while i rode until the stabbing pain subsided things were all good. by tuesday of this week i was starting to be able to grip with my knees so that my weight wasn't on my wrists anymore. then, of course, on tuesday night i twisted my knee again, the night before my car was put on a truck which will take it to the other side of the country.
while i stood in the car park of the depot waiting for the guy inspected the car, taking note of all scratches and dings, i had some major pangs of regret - the time, the effort, etc etc etc, the joy of driving the damn thing. when Shadow drove me away and back to work i felt a little lost and empty. fast-forward 30 hours and i was in the middle of one of the most major highs i've had in months. it didn't take long before i forgot how i managed to live for 3 years without the joys of car ownership. sure, i borrowed them here and there when i really needed 4 wheels but that was exceptionally rare. suddenly the lack of car meant that a trip to the supermarket meant... well, riding and before i knew it i was hammering down the night-time streets of belconnen in a pair of jeans, hoodie, helmet and gloves and it was magic. the cold, pre-winter air was brisk, not freezing, and for a brief moment i was That Guy You've All Seen Before, screaming through the night in not-enough protective gear. i forgot about my knee aching and hung off around the bend while passing that hotted up Commodore on the outside, before buzzing the P-plater who tried to play silly-buggers in front of me.
unfortunately, one way or another, the car had to go. it's something i can live without, and it's something which would do me no good rotting in someone's lockup or garage for however long i'm Abroad. i still haven't decided what i'm going to do with my bike. if someone taps me on the shoulder and offers me ~$4000 for the thing and can stand to wait until October for it then i guess i'll sell it. otherwise i've been quietly scouting secure locations where i can stash it. the car, on the other hand... well, i can always get another car when i get back (maybe one of those nice 3-litre Subaru Liberty's that came out a couple of years ago...), The Boy needs one now and i need the money he's sending me for it. suddenly we have a match made in heaven... or hell as our mother seems to think it's going to be. she seems to think it's going to be overpowered for the poor lad. it may be, but that's between him and the gods.
meanwhile, i get to hold my head up high again and pronounce loudly "what are you talking about? i don't even own a car! riding through winter isn't too cold you fucking pussy, grow a pair!"... or something like that. more likely i'll just laugh. slowly, but surely, i'm finding myself with less and less stuff, and less and less interest in its acquisition. i've tried to do some retail therapy, and wind up buying more stuff for other people than i do for myself. i can't seem to find anything that i want... isn't that strange? sure, i'm going to miss the car. still, arriving at work in the car was never as life-affirming as carefully unfolding myself off the bike and having a chuckle as i work the stiffness out of my leg while i limp into the office.
it's not the loss of the car that's hitting me, though. it's more that it's a big, obvious giveaway that i'm Going Away Soon. it makes it all seem intensely Real in a way that buying the tickets didn't. this makes it feel like i'm leaving in the next week, not 5 months from now. i'm doing what i can to not think about the Future right now, for the fear that it'll get in the way of my enjoying the Now. i still have plenty to pack into the coming months and worrying about October will just get in the way so i'm just going to put it down right there.
i got back on the bike last wednesday and spent the rest of the working week forcing my right leg to bend up onto the peg and operate my rear-brake, and apart from occasionally having to let my leg dangle while i rode until the stabbing pain subsided things were all good. by tuesday of this week i was starting to be able to grip with my knees so that my weight wasn't on my wrists anymore. then, of course, on tuesday night i twisted my knee again, the night before my car was put on a truck which will take it to the other side of the country.
while i stood in the car park of the depot waiting for the guy inspected the car, taking note of all scratches and dings, i had some major pangs of regret - the time, the effort, etc etc etc, the joy of driving the damn thing. when Shadow drove me away and back to work i felt a little lost and empty. fast-forward 30 hours and i was in the middle of one of the most major highs i've had in months. it didn't take long before i forgot how i managed to live for 3 years without the joys of car ownership. sure, i borrowed them here and there when i really needed 4 wheels but that was exceptionally rare. suddenly the lack of car meant that a trip to the supermarket meant... well, riding and before i knew it i was hammering down the night-time streets of belconnen in a pair of jeans, hoodie, helmet and gloves and it was magic. the cold, pre-winter air was brisk, not freezing, and for a brief moment i was That Guy You've All Seen Before, screaming through the night in not-enough protective gear. i forgot about my knee aching and hung off around the bend while passing that hotted up Commodore on the outside, before buzzing the P-plater who tried to play silly-buggers in front of me.
unfortunately, one way or another, the car had to go. it's something i can live without, and it's something which would do me no good rotting in someone's lockup or garage for however long i'm Abroad. i still haven't decided what i'm going to do with my bike. if someone taps me on the shoulder and offers me ~$4000 for the thing and can stand to wait until October for it then i guess i'll sell it. otherwise i've been quietly scouting secure locations where i can stash it. the car, on the other hand... well, i can always get another car when i get back (maybe one of those nice 3-litre Subaru Liberty's that came out a couple of years ago...), The Boy needs one now and i need the money he's sending me for it. suddenly we have a match made in heaven... or hell as our mother seems to think it's going to be. she seems to think it's going to be overpowered for the poor lad. it may be, but that's between him and the gods.
meanwhile, i get to hold my head up high again and pronounce loudly "what are you talking about? i don't even own a car! riding through winter isn't too cold you fucking pussy, grow a pair!"... or something like that. more likely i'll just laugh. slowly, but surely, i'm finding myself with less and less stuff, and less and less interest in its acquisition. i've tried to do some retail therapy, and wind up buying more stuff for other people than i do for myself. i can't seem to find anything that i want... isn't that strange? sure, i'm going to miss the car. still, arriving at work in the car was never as life-affirming as carefully unfolding myself off the bike and having a chuckle as i work the stiffness out of my leg while i limp into the office.
it's not the loss of the car that's hitting me, though. it's more that it's a big, obvious giveaway that i'm Going Away Soon. it makes it all seem intensely Real in a way that buying the tickets didn't. this makes it feel like i'm leaving in the next week, not 5 months from now. i'm doing what i can to not think about the Future right now, for the fear that it'll get in the way of my enjoying the Now. i still have plenty to pack into the coming months and worrying about October will just get in the way so i'm just going to put it down right there.
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