Another letter to my Penpal...

 As I'm fond of saying, "I know 'what' I am. 'Who', on the other hand, is hugely situationally-dependent."

I'm pleased (on all fronts). I'm not surprised she treated it as an "interview" - I did present you as a "data analyst" as an excuse to make the introduction. Curious who the "friend" was; immediate guess would be C*** B*** (Head of P/G). Glad your perception was positive - I've not asked, or been told, her perspective/perception. I only found out she was talking to you by accident: 

I figured it would likely be a slow-burn relationship, but one I felt would be worth at least an attempt at brokering. The world is full of dots, and one of my purest joys is connecting them; mapping out the patterns no one else seems to be able to see in what seems to be chaos until the picture resolves. 

On my end of things: 

The rest of my trip was about as frantic as one would expect. I'm yet to book the next one, but looking at being ~19/7-6/8. My project continues its merry waltz (progress has been a bit more "forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and twirling, twirling towards freedom" than the usual "two steps forward, one step back"), but there's definite progress being made towards endgame and initial Go Live is slated for 25/7 so figured I'd be there for it. 

I body-swerved a Perm Full Time role with them (by mutual agreement - I wasn't the best fit, and it wouldn't have been the best use of me as an Asset) which would have been Bosslady's level (EL2-equiv), although I may have acquired the unofficial title of Agent of ChaosChange in the process. I'm OK with it, although I found out recently I've been getting referred to as The Perfect Storm in certain circles, so I appear to be accruing epithets at an alarming rate. 

Still looking at the concept of picking up an investment property somewhere in the 2601/2612 postcodes (have my own bachelor pad when I'm in town, AirBnB it out the rest of the time). There's no rush, and I need a couple of months to rejig my financial arrangements (I've had to negotiate a pay rise with my MD, which was an interesting conversation. His opening offer was "go fuck yourself you lazy c#%t"...). I also want to see how the market shifts as interest rates ramp up. SHOULD be achievable tho. 

I was already in the process of decluttering - trashing stalled projects, giving away stuff I just plain don't need, that sort of thing. The possibility of needing to Do Something about my living arrangements has provided some extra motivation. 

Have been a massive recluse since getting back, even more so than usual. Partly because sifting the detritus of 8 years' stability/stagnation requires a singularity of focus and a clarity of mind, partly because I can feel an inexorable withdrawal from the temporal/physical; a necessary disengagement/disconnection/unburdening ("Free your mind, Neo.") so that when the moment comes the resulting leap is immediate, unencumbered, and without hesitation ("He's doing his Superman thing."). 
I've needed... something (impetus, stimulus, motivus) to kick me into motion. I don't know for sure what it will look like, but I can smell its approach. 

Part of the divestiture has been a conscious withdrawal from the human deadweight - I'm carefully being careless with who I reach out to/communicate with/randomly contact; disregarding thoughts of "I should touch base with Such & Such," and instead going with what seems like a good course of action at the time. It's less that I'm letting people slip  between my fingers, more unclenching my grasp and letting whoever doesn't cling on fall away. Those who remain add no weight; they carry themselves, and we move forward hand-in-hand ("Do not lead, I may not follow. Do not follow, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." There's a context to Camus which always makes me well up, but that's a story for another day). 

The oddest thing is that, whilst this has all been liberating, the loneliness has been cutting in like an unwanted suitor ("Miss Sharma, may I have this dance?") and swinging a wrecking ball at my nice, neat (and self-contained), flaming little shit. Typical really, that just when I start feeling like I've reached Stage 7 (Acceptance) and can properly own the "loner" moniker that life. and my treacherous brain, go all flippy-da-table.  Agent of ChaosChange indeed. 
Speaking of Loner, not sure if you're familiar with Alison Wonderland (I've nicknamed her "Sad Pretty Blonde Girl" because she's all of those things. Vastly talented, classically trained, and a history of depression; I can't help but feel she's totally Our People), but I just grabbed a copy of the new album she's been drip-feeding singles from over the last 6ish months. The live version of Bad Things is both beautiful, and heart-rending. 

Self-inflicted mind Games (watch the clip - it's fun) and self-sabotage aside, the game is nonetheless afoot. I can only hope tho, that someday I'll find Peace. 

R.