moving forward on greased wheels...

i wish i understood better, could keep track of events and my actions in reaction, how exactly i came to be here, in this place, at this time. i can recount the words spoken into what ears, the acts of kindness and malice, but... were i to try to do it all over i couldn't guarantee that things would have worked out a well as they have and of this i am certain: my existence has been charmed in recent history. 5 months ago i'd been back in Perth for a matter of days, gutted and raw from the couple of days i'd just spent in Brisbane, only to walk blindly into the blow that tore my throat out and brought me entirely to my knees.

in a word, i was fucked. in an acronym, i was FUBAR. in a string of metaphor, i was shattered, fried, burned ashes crackling as they cooled in a hearth wrought from iron cast from the meteorite of my downfall.

but, as it has the habit to, life went on. there were times when it nearly didn't, but as with all things these times passed. days became weeks, became months, and gradually i got better and as i did i found my eyes opening by degrees and the world became less clouded with impossibility and more and more full of potential.

i understand that this must be somewhat shocking - this flood of positivity and good humor and the general lack of angst, cynicism and hatred. don't misunderstand me - it's still with me. it's just that gradually but perceptibly things have started to Work. where earlier in the year everything i tried seemed to fail and lead me further and further from anything that resembled a win, suddenly little things started to go my way. i successfully quit smoking after a decade and two previous, unsuccessful attempts. my savings grew as i worked extra hours to distract myself from the general lack of entertainment in my life, inching towards the goal for the deposit for my house until, after 19 months of careful saving, i finally reached it. i started getting out more; i organised a regular meetup on Sunday afternoons at one of my preferred cafes that's become the highlight of my week. the people i invited were a hodge-podge of folk i knew from various different circles and i took great joy in the weeks that followed the first event watching them all find each other on facebook and become proper friends separate to their connection through me.

and now i'm sitting on a flight to Singapore with an old friend i recently reunited with, kindled a friendship with and decided to take a punt and join on a trip to Thailand. we'd run into each other at a party back around the end of February and started hanging out when, one evening in March, she turned to me and asked:

"Do you want to go to Hawaii?" yes! wait, why Hawaii? "Because I want a warm getaway in the middle of winter and I've never been." that sounds cool - i kinda wanted to go... but how about Phuket or something? it's cheaper...

and so, after some research and bouncing between locations as far ranging as New Caledonia, the Philippines and Hong Kong, we booked ourselves some flights and off we went.

spontaneous madness - just the way i like it.

meanwhile, the people i've been working with for the last 6 months have put up with my mood swings and edginess while i rid myself of my nicotine dependence. i nearly took a permanent job with them despite the junior nature of the role but the money wasn't there... so they kept me around until my holiday and gave me the time to find a new gig. they consistently treated me better than i deserved and it's been a long time since i've experienced that sort of kindness in the workplace.

the new mob i've signed up with look interesting; they're flying me over to Melbourne on my first day for a couple of days of meet-and-greet. seeing as i've consistently failed to get to Melbourne in the last 2 years this fits with my plans nicely... not to mention saving $600+ from my Travel Budget.

this isn't to say that there haven't been casualties. i'm no longer on speaking terms with LFV - after finding myself demolished and suicidal after every contact with her i told her in no uncertain terms to go about her life leave me the fuck out of it. it was far from the optimal solution, but i've been happier for it and that's what's really mattered. she can look after herself - she's good at being happy. i had to make the choie to look after me and i've had far less practice.

i've also not had a lot of contact with the Sunshine, although that's changing. when i left Brisbane i told her that i'd be out of communication for the foreseeable future, and apart from the occasional ping back and forth we've not really spoken a great deal until recently. we're still not talking in any great depth or frequency, but the tone has at least been warm.

there are people i've found i have less and less time for, people i don't bother to try calling any more, people i've been quietly avoiding. the usual Brownian Motion of an extended social circle and for everyone i've lost i've gained someone else who's enriched my life in far more interesting ways.

i still haven't picked up my guitar, but i HAVE learned to control a Power Slide on my bike and i'm gradually getting the numbers together to go for my Dive Master qualification.

so, for now, it seems that things are moving along on oiled wheels. being in a state of existence that i understand is referred to generally as "happy" is a foreign country for me, full of interesting people and exotic delights. it's been so long that i've felt that i was firing on all cylinders, in full control of my faculties and possessed of an unassailable confidence that the sensation when it struck me was dizzying. the perception of achievement and actually getting things one is something i've felt i was missing for far too long. now i'm on holidays again, heading out of the country with a solid job to come back to and plans afoot for my return... i finally feel like things are actually working out and that i have all i could ask for. now i just need to see how much further i can extend my reach, and how much more my hands can grasp...