i've managed to get to a point where the information i have processing is so equally balanced in every concieveable direction that it's actually managed to find the perfect state of balance. frankly, it's all a bit fucked. still, in this perfect storm of confusion and misinformation at at least i'm getting a little peace.
i'm rather looking forward to tomrrow (yes, i know that it's officially friday already, but until i sleep and wakeup, or the sun rises it doesn't count as being tomrrow) night, if for no other reason than that i won't have to be at work the next day. meanwhile i'm going to see if i can achieve a decent night's sleep. i may have something interesting to say then...
Friday, July 25, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
entropy vs economics...
the question which has increasingly consumed me in the last few weeks - more than climate change, more than speed camera locations on my way to work, more even than when my flatmates will finish having thumping, moaning late night sex and go to sleep, is thus:
"is it going to last?"
fuelled by paranoia and penny-pinching, it's come to haunt me. everywhere i turn it's staring me in the face. everything i look at makes me wonder. i check the front tyre on my (trusty, faithful, but frankly falling to pieces) bike - it's getting near the wear-indicators... is it going to last? my rear lights have blown and i found a second-hand one floating around the garage... is it going to last, or should i get some new bulbs? these pants are fading pretty bad... are they going to last? i'm half-way through this pack of bog-roll... is it going to last? WILL I HAVE TO BUY MORE FUCKING BOG ROLL BEFORE I LEAVE???
FUCK!
the goal here is to only spend what i have to to keep the machine ticking over until i leave, calculating failure rates and life expectancies so that i don't waste my time and cash on things i'll just have to leave behind - time my escape so i blast off just as my life in Canberra disappears beneath the waves. i mean, why turn the lights out on my way out the door if i can time it so that it blows as my footsteps fade from earshot on the path outside?
certainly, its made retail therapy interesting. i'm not unusual in that when i get a bit depressed i tend to go shopping, but when there's nothing i want, and even less that i can justify it becomes... irritating. i know it's consumerist. i understand that it's a misguided attempt to fill a spiritual void with materialism in an exercise in futility designed by the doyens of capitalism to reinforce a self-sustaining ecosystem where the proletariat willingly return the fruits of their labor to the bourgeois in return for meaningless idolisation of an unachievable self-satisfaction but... shiny!?!
unfortunately for the JB Hifi's of this world, i have no room for shiny. hell - i don't have room for most of what i've got cluttering up my bedroom at the moment. the cull has shifted gear again recently while i find secure homes for the crap that i'd rather like to see again (the valuable, the collectible, the sentimental), grateful homes for the crap i don't need but which might be useful to someone else and bin space for the rest. it's a liberation, but it's a chore all the same and like the visa application sitting on my desk at work it's something which has to get done.
at least i can rest assured that i've met my savings goal with 8 working weeks (and 2 weeks of holiday pay) remaining which gives me the luxury of spending a little here and there on luxuries, as well as raising the bar by 12.5% - a fairly painless goal if my forward planning is accurate.
and so does my paranoia reach new heights (or lows). something in the back of my brain has started panicking, desperately looking for tasks and aspects of my planning that i've missed or neglected. last night i decided that i needed to put together an "emergency pouch" so that someone nearby could inform next of kin in case something happened to me. contents: 1 x spare battery for my phone (charged), 1 x prepaid SIM card (loaded with as single number called EMERGENCY), identification (various), printed instructions (in english, french, german and cyrillic). shortly after planning that and spending 10 minutes looking at appropriate waterproof pouches on ebay i realised i was a fucking idiot and got myself another beer out of the fridge.
i've successfully convinced myself that due to a lack of preparedness i'm going to completely fail to find gainful employment, i'll hate the place, spend 3 months wandering continent being shunned and spat upon by the entire European Union before returning to Australia destitute with nought but the clothes on my back and my testicles in a jar. the funny thing is that i know that i'll wake up tomorrow, full of hope and optimism and the satisfaction of knowing that i'm prepared and on track for readiness. i never said that what went on in my head made any sense.
still, it's certainly keeping me occupied...
"is it going to last?"
fuelled by paranoia and penny-pinching, it's come to haunt me. everywhere i turn it's staring me in the face. everything i look at makes me wonder. i check the front tyre on my (trusty, faithful, but frankly falling to pieces) bike - it's getting near the wear-indicators... is it going to last? my rear lights have blown and i found a second-hand one floating around the garage... is it going to last, or should i get some new bulbs? these pants are fading pretty bad... are they going to last? i'm half-way through this pack of bog-roll... is it going to last? WILL I HAVE TO BUY MORE FUCKING BOG ROLL BEFORE I LEAVE???
FUCK!
the goal here is to only spend what i have to to keep the machine ticking over until i leave, calculating failure rates and life expectancies so that i don't waste my time and cash on things i'll just have to leave behind - time my escape so i blast off just as my life in Canberra disappears beneath the waves. i mean, why turn the lights out on my way out the door if i can time it so that it blows as my footsteps fade from earshot on the path outside?
certainly, its made retail therapy interesting. i'm not unusual in that when i get a bit depressed i tend to go shopping, but when there's nothing i want, and even less that i can justify it becomes... irritating. i know it's consumerist. i understand that it's a misguided attempt to fill a spiritual void with materialism in an exercise in futility designed by the doyens of capitalism to reinforce a self-sustaining ecosystem where the proletariat willingly return the fruits of their labor to the bourgeois in return for meaningless idolisation of an unachievable self-satisfaction but... shiny!?!
unfortunately for the JB Hifi's of this world, i have no room for shiny. hell - i don't have room for most of what i've got cluttering up my bedroom at the moment. the cull has shifted gear again recently while i find secure homes for the crap that i'd rather like to see again (the valuable, the collectible, the sentimental), grateful homes for the crap i don't need but which might be useful to someone else and bin space for the rest. it's a liberation, but it's a chore all the same and like the visa application sitting on my desk at work it's something which has to get done.
at least i can rest assured that i've met my savings goal with 8 working weeks (and 2 weeks of holiday pay) remaining which gives me the luxury of spending a little here and there on luxuries, as well as raising the bar by 12.5% - a fairly painless goal if my forward planning is accurate.
and so does my paranoia reach new heights (or lows). something in the back of my brain has started panicking, desperately looking for tasks and aspects of my planning that i've missed or neglected. last night i decided that i needed to put together an "emergency pouch" so that someone nearby could inform next of kin in case something happened to me. contents: 1 x spare battery for my phone (charged), 1 x prepaid SIM card (loaded with as single number called EMERGENCY), identification (various), printed instructions (in english, french, german and cyrillic). shortly after planning that and spending 10 minutes looking at appropriate waterproof pouches on ebay i realised i was a fucking idiot and got myself another beer out of the fridge.
i've successfully convinced myself that due to a lack of preparedness i'm going to completely fail to find gainful employment, i'll hate the place, spend 3 months wandering continent being shunned and spat upon by the entire European Union before returning to Australia destitute with nought but the clothes on my back and my testicles in a jar. the funny thing is that i know that i'll wake up tomorrow, full of hope and optimism and the satisfaction of knowing that i'm prepared and on track for readiness. i never said that what went on in my head made any sense.
still, it's certainly keeping me occupied...
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
... and now in a continuation of my thread of short posts with no real content i present a continuation of the "sawdust bread" of blogging...
unfortunately, an overload of reading material has superseded my blogging time, despite my actually having things bouncing around my head which i should probably say. instead, a dot-point synopsys follows:
- Sxy Greg's in town. this has taken much of my attention.
- working.
- tired.
- mildly depressed.
- learning new and interesting skills.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
if there is any justice in this world, and i'm sure that there isn't, then this title will, in fact, actually be longer than the post below...
as the nifty hip-flask i was recently gifted says so succinctly: meh...
lethargy (caused primarily by poor sleep, average eating and a phase of depression which is quietly chipping at the hardened lump of tar and bile that is my soul) dictates that i have very little of worth to say at present, so i'll leave the shortest piece of cynicism that i think best sums up the experience that is my life at present:
well, fuck.
that is all.
lethargy (caused primarily by poor sleep, average eating and a phase of depression which is quietly chipping at the hardened lump of tar and bile that is my soul) dictates that i have very little of worth to say at present, so i'll leave the shortest piece of cynicism that i think best sums up the experience that is my life at present:
well, fuck.
that is all.
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